Luke Wilson as Cpl. "Average Joe" Bauers / "Not Sure"

Maya Rudolph as Rita

Dax Shepard as Frito Pendejo

Terry Crews as President Dwayne Elizondo Mountain Dew Herbert Camacho

Anthony 'Citric' Campos as Secretary of Defense

David Herman as Secretary of State

Sonny Castillo as Prosecutor

Kevin McAfee as Bailiff

Robert Musgrave as Sgt. Keller

Michael McCafferty as Officer Collins

Christopher Ryan as Hospital Technician

Justin Long as Dr. Lexus

Heath Jones as Cop #1

Eli Muñoz as Horny Guy

Patrick Fischler as Yuppie Husband

Darlene Hunt as Yuppie Wife

Ryan Ransdell as Trashy Guy

Melissa Sweet as Slutty Girl

Valerie Posas as New Slutty Girl

Wes Davis as Trashy Teen Jock

Andrew Wilson as Beef Supreme

Mark Tuner as Officer

Kevin Klee as Main Character (Ow! My Balls! Guy)

John Dodson as Additional Officer

Melissa Espinales as Counter Woman

Joseph Cheatham as Doctor in Waiting Room

Jason Schaefer as Prison Guard #1 / Costco Greeter

Richard Reeder as Prison Guard #2

Lawrence Castillo as Prison Guard #3

Turk Pipkin as Guy at Costco

Heather Kafka as Woman at Carl's Jr.

Christopher M. Campos as Congressman #1

Roman Ramos as Congressman #2

Randal Reeder as Secret Service Thug

Scarface as Upgrayedd

Brendan Hill as Secretary of Energy

Thomas Haden Church as Brawndo CEO

Melissa Dawn as Female Newscaster

Derek Southers as Male Newscaster

Lidia Porto as Female Reporter

Gregory Kelly as Stadium Guard

Greg Pitts as Cameraman

Jason Konopisos-Alvarez as Cop at Government Center

Mitch Baker as Doctor

Daniel Smith as Control Room Director

Chris Warner as Cop at Costco

Lonnie Nelson as Trapped Man

Danny Cochran as Secretary of Education

Marcos Martinez Rios as Secret Service Thug #2

Earl Mann as Narrator (voice)

Sara Rue as Attorney General (uncredited)

Evan Miller as Charles Chaplin (uncredited)

Heath Allyn as Prisoner (uncredited)

Erik Anderson as Angry Court Member (uncredited)

Jason Bohn as Hospital Patient (uncredited)

Glori Renee Euwer as Museum Visitor (uncredited)

Evelyn Hurley as One of Upgrayedd's Ladies (uncredited)

Tom Kenny as Computer Voice (uncredited)

Max Kruemcke as Townsperson (uncredited)

T.J. McFarland as Old Man (uncredited)

Jesse Medeles as Peterson (uncredited)

James Moreno as Front Row Juror (uncredited)

Dan Murphy as Congressman (uncredited)

Steve Powers as Townsperson (uncredited)

Stephen Root as Judge Hector "The Hangman" (uncredited)

Lainie Safady as President Camacho's Groupie (uncredited)

Ava Knighten Santana as President Camacho's Groupie (uncredited)

Kati Sharp as Townsperson (uncredited)

Michael Sorrells as Party Guest (uncredited)

Gary Teague as Townsperson (uncredited)

Curtis Wayne as Amusement Park Patron (uncredited)

Caitlin Wehrle as President Camacho's Groupie (uncredited)

Heath Young as Townsperson (uncredited)

Spencer Kayden as Miss Claypool (uncredited)

Samantha Inoue Harte as Juror (uncredited)